The Broken Counsellor - Part 6 – Connections That Heal (and Those That Hold Us Back)

Living with chronic pain is not just about the relationship you have with your body — it’s also about the relationships you have with the people around you. Friends, family, colleagues, and support groups all play a role in how we view ourselves and how we move through life.

Sometimes those connections lift us up, giving us strength, hope, and laughter. But sometimes, without meaning to, they hold us back. This is where self-awareness becomes so important.

What Is Trauma Bonding?

One of the biggest risks for people living with chronic illness or pain is falling into a trauma bond. A trauma bond is a connection built on shared pain, struggle, or crisis. At first, it might feel supportive — like someone truly understands your suffering. But over time, it can become limiting.

Instead of encouraging you to heal, grow, or focus on the positive parts of life, the relationship keeps circling back to the pain. It holds you there, stuck in the suffering, unable to move forward.

A trauma bond might look like:

• Always talking about symptoms and pain rather than other life experiences.

• Feeling like your relationship depends on staying unwell.

• A friend, family member, or even a support group identifying you only through your illness.

  
  

When this happens, the connection is not helping you progress — it’s keeping you trapped.

Recognising When You’re Being Held Back

For those of us with chronic pain, it’s easy for people to start seeing us as “the unwell one.” That label can be frustrating, limiting, and even swallow us whole if we accept it.

I’ve experienced this myself. I have a beautiful friend who has been in my life since I was 15 years old. I’m now 51, and our friendship is precious to me. Recently, she was painting her house, and I offered to help. She smiled but said she would love help — just not from me.

What followed was jest about how I shouldn’t be doing things like that, that she should be the one helping me. From her perspective, she was being caring. But from mine, it felt like she had already decided I was incapable.

The truth is, I know I can’t paint a ceiling or tackle an entire house. But I could absolutely manage a door, or sit on the floor and paint skirting boards. More importantly, I wanted the joy of sharing that moment — chatting, laughing, and being part of her project.

Instead, I was placed in the box of being the “incapable one.” And that stung.  So I shall try again with “It is not about painting. It’s about being with my friend — chatting, laughing, and sharing life. Chronic pain limits me, but it doesn’t define me.”....either that or just turn up in some painting clothes with my paint brush!

Shifting the Focus

Support is vital. But support should not mean defining someone by their illness. When we connect with others, especially through support groups or friendships, we need to be mindful:

• Don’t let the pain be the only common ground. Yes, it’s part of your story, but it’s not the whole story. Find genuine connections with each other: art, music, nature, etc.

  You will walk away from moments together uplifted and somewhat energetically charged up instead of drained.

  
  

• Celebrate what you can do. Even small contributions matter and bring joy.

  The satisfaction you get from completing a goal is incredible. I stopped cooking for the longest time and now when I cook you should hear my children at the table, there is pure enjoyment for them but there is an immense feeling of inner satisfaction that I created something that they very clearly enjoyed.

  
  

• Challenge limiting beliefs. If someone defines you only by your illness, gently show them what else you bring to the relationship.

  Here is where I have found some confusion because from the outside view I have heard you are incredibly stubborn but I don't see it like that, I have determination to push my way in a healthy way to show myself that I can try new things.

  
  

• Choose uplifting connections. Surround yourself with people who help you feel whole, not broken.

  Yes be aware of your physical self but make sure you nourish the energetic part of yourself with beautiful moments, fun moments, loving moments and just joy!

The Power of Self-Awareness

The first step to navigating these relationships is self-awareness. When you notice a trauma bond forming or someone trying to fix your identity as “the unwell one,” pause and reflect:

• How does this relationship make me feel?

• Do I leave conversations feeling lighter, or heavier?

• Am I being encouraged to grow, or held in place?

  
  

With awareness, you can make changes — whether that means setting boundaries, shifting the focus of conversations, or in some cases, stepping back from a relationship that isn’t serving your healing.

It is really easy to find yourself in those trauma bonding conversation, I still find myself in those positions today. Though I am acutely aware and will redirect conversations to topics that are bright, fun and uplifting and the tone and feel is instantly noticeable. This is a skill you can learn and apply to your interactions with others.

Conclusion

Living with chronic pain is hard enough without also fighting the weight of other people’s expectations. The connections we keep can either empower us or confine us. By recognising trauma bonds, staying self-aware, and nurturing relationships that celebrate who we are (not just what we struggle with), we can create a support system that truly heals.

Remember: you are more than your pain. You deserve connections that lift you up, not ones that hold you down.